Friday, March 30, 2018

BALD FLEAS

BALD FLEAS

Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head?

A: Homeless.




BALD FLEAS

Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head?

A: Homeless.




BALD FLEAS

Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head?

A: Homeless.




BALD FLEAS

Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head?

A: Homeless.




BALD FLEAS

Q; What do you call two fleas on top of a bald head?

A: Homeless.

BA BA BLACK SHEEP

BA BA BLACK SHEEP

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love

for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."




BA BA BLACK SHEEP

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love

for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."




BA BA BLACK SHEEP

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love

for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."




BA BA BLACK SHEEP

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love

for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."




BA BA BLACK SHEEP

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love

for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

AZIZ ANSARI: SENATOR CORNYN ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

AZIZ ANSARI: SENATOR CORNYN ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

I'm not making this up -- he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's

pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you

jump to when you're writing that analogy.




AZIZ ANSARI: SENATOR CORNYN ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

I'm not making this up -- he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's

pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you

jump to when you're writing that analogy.




AZIZ ANSARI: SENATOR CORNYN ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

I'm not making this up -- he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's

pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you

jump to when you're writing that analogy.




AZIZ ANSARI: SENATOR CORNYN ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

I'm not making this up -- he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's

pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you

jump to when you're writing that analogy.




AZIZ ANSARI: SENATOR CORNYN ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

I'm not making this up -- he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's

pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you

jump to when you're writing that analogy.

AT THE DOOR

AT THE DOOR

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.




AT THE DOOR

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.




AT THE DOOR

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.




AT THE DOOR

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.




AT THE DOOR

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.

ARJ BARKER: GUESS WHAT, CAT?

ARJ BARKER: GUESS WHAT, CAT?

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or

Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.




ARJ BARKER: GUESS WHAT, CAT?

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or

Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.




ARJ BARKER: GUESS WHAT, CAT?

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or

Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.




ARJ BARKER: GUESS WHAT, CAT?

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or

Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.




ARJ BARKER: GUESS WHAT, CAT?

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or

Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.

ARDAL O'HANLON: DRUG SMUGGLING WITH DOGS

ARDAL O'HANLON: DRUG SMUGGLING WITH DOGS

The best way to smuggle drugs into a country is to place them carefully in a dog's bottom... because at the airport, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the

officials will think they're just being frisky... unless of course your dog wears sunglasses and sweats a lot.




ARDAL O'HANLON: DRUG SMUGGLING WITH DOGS

The best way to smuggle drugs into a country is to place them carefully in a dog's bottom... because at the airport, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the

officials will think they're just being frisky... unless of course your dog wears sunglasses and sweats a lot.




ARDAL O'HANLON: DRUG SMUGGLING WITH DOGS

The best way to smuggle drugs into a country is to place them carefully in a dog's bottom... because at the airport, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the

officials will think they're just being frisky... unless of course your dog wears sunglasses and sweats a lot.




ARDAL O'HANLON: DRUG SMUGGLING WITH DOGS

The best way to smuggle drugs into a country is to place them carefully in a dog's bottom... because at the airport, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the

officials will think they're just being frisky... unless of course your dog wears sunglasses and sweats a lot.




ARDAL O'HANLON: DRUG SMUGGLING WITH DOGS

The best way to smuggle drugs into a country is to place them carefully in a dog's bottom... because at the airport, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the

officials will think they're just being frisky... unless of course your dog wears sunglasses and sweats a lot.

APPLE & WORM

APPLE & WORM

Q: What did the apple say to the worm?

A: You're boring me.




APPLE & WORM

Q: What did the apple say to the worm?

A: You're boring me.




APPLE & WORM

Q: What did the apple say to the worm?

A: You're boring me.




APPLE & WORM

Q: What did the apple say to the worm?

A: You're boring me.




APPLE & WORM

Q: What did the apple say to the worm?

A: You're boring me.

ANTS IN YOUR PANTS

ANTS IN YOUR PANTS

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.




ANTS IN YOUR PANTS

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.




ANTS IN YOUR PANTS

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.




ANTS IN YOUR PANTS

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.




ANTS IN YOUR PANTS

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.





ANTS DANCING

ANTS DANCING

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

A: The lid said, "Twist to open."




ANTS DANCING

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

A: The lid said, "Twist to open."




ANTS DANCING

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

A: The lid said, "Twist to open."




ANTS DANCING

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

A: The lid said, "Twist to open."




ANTS DANCING

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

ANOTHER CHICKEN, ANOTHER ROAD

ANOTHER CHICKEN, ANOTHER ROAD

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?

A: Who else would follow a chicken?




ANOTHER CHICKEN, ANOTHER ROAD

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?

A: Who else would follow a chicken?




ANOTHER CHICKEN, ANOTHER ROAD

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?

A: Who else would follow a chicken?




ANOTHER CHICKEN, ANOTHER ROAD

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?

A: Who else would follow a chicken?




ANOTHER CHICKEN, ANOTHER ROAD

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?

A: Who else would follow a chicken?

ANOTHER BULL NAME

ANOTHER BULL NAME

Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?

A: Beef Strokinoff.




ANOTHER BULL NAME

Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?

A: Beef Strokinoff.




ANOTHER BULL NAME

Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?

A: Beef Strokinoff.




ANOTHER BULL NAME

Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?

A: Beef Strokinoff.




ANOTHER BULL NAME

Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?

A: Beef Strokinoff.

ANIMAL ROTATION

ANIMAL ROTATION

Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?

A: A rotisserie chicken.




ANIMAL ROTATION

Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?

A: A rotisserie chicken.




ANIMAL ROTATION

Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?

A: A rotisserie chicken.




ANIMAL ROTATION

Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?

A: A rotisserie chicken.




ANIMAL ROTATION

Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?

A: A rotisserie chicken.

ANIMAL LIVES

ANIMAL LIVES

Q: What has more lives than a cat?

A: A frog -- it croaks every night.




ANIMAL LIVES

Q: What has more lives than a cat?

A: A frog -- it croaks every night.




ANIMAL LIVES

Q: What has more lives than a cat?

A: A frog -- it croaks every night.




ANIMAL LIVES

Q: What has more lives than a cat?

A: A frog -- it croaks every night.




ANIMAL LIVES

Q: What has more lives than a cat?

A: A frog -- it croaks every night.

ANDY KINDLER: WORRY WILDLIFE

ANDY KINDLER: WORRY WILDLIFE

They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry'

wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'




ANDY KINDLER: WORRY WILDLIFE

They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry'

wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'




ANDY KINDLER: WORRY WILDLIFE

They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry'

wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'




ANDY KINDLER: WORRY WILDLIFE

They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry'

wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'




ANDY KINDLER: WORRY WILDLIFE

They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry'

wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

ANDREW NORELLI: WRONG TIME TO WORRY

ANDREW NORELLI: WRONG TIME TO WORRY

People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? 'Ooh, there's a hair in my food.' You're eating bacon -- there's a pig's ass in your food.




ANDREW NORELLI: WRONG TIME TO WORRY

People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? 'Ooh, there's a hair in my food.' You're eating bacon -- there's a pig's ass in your food.




ANDREW NORELLI: WRONG TIME TO WORRY

People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? 'Ooh, there's a hair in my food.' You're eating bacon -- there's a pig's ass in your food.


AN ELDERLY LADY PHONED HER TELEPHONE COMPANY

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her

pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the

telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phoneto ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing andmoaning.




AN ELDERLY LADY PHONED HER TELEPHONE COMPANY

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her

pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the

telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phoneto ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing andmoaning.




AN ELDERLY LADY PHONED HER TELEPHONE COMPANY

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her

pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the

telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phoneto ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing andmoaning.


AMANDA MELSON: TAKE BACK THE FIELD

I read that, apparently, 13% of young men living in rural America lose their virginity to livestock. That is not right -- those poor cows. I'm thinking of starting the

first annual 'Take Back the Field' rally. I've got some slogans for the cows, like, 'Moo Means No!' Or, 'Hey, stop treating us like women and start treating us like

pieces of meat!'




AMANDA MELSON: TAKE BACK THE FIELD

I read that, apparently, 13% of young men living in rural America lose their virginity to livestock. That is not right -- those poor cows. I'm thinking of starting the

first annual 'Take Back the Field' rally. I've got some slogans for the cows, like, 'Moo Means No!' Or, 'Hey, stop treating us like women and start treating us like

pieces of meat!'




AMANDA MELSON: TAKE BACK THE FIELD

I read that, apparently, 13% of young men living in rural America lose their virginity to livestock. That is not right -- those poor cows. I'm thinking of starting the

first annual 'Take Back the Field' rally. I've got some slogans for the cows, like, 'Moo Means No!' Or, 'Hey, stop treating us like women and start treating us like

pieces of meat!'


ADAM FERRARA: LOOK TO NATURE

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie -- just a

quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'




ADAM FERRARA: LOOK TO NATURE

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie -- just a

quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'




ADAM FERRARA: LOOK TO NATURE

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie -- just a

quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'


A.J. JAMAL: FREE CATS

Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home -- they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet

store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be looking at them like, 'Oh they're so cute. Let's go find one like that.'




A.J. JAMAL: FREE CATS

Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home -- they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet

store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be looking at them like, 'Oh they're so cute. Let's go find one like that.'




A.J. JAMAL: FREE CATS

Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them. You see them on the street, take them home -- they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet

store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be looking at them like, 'Oh they're so cute. Let's go find one like that.'


A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.




A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.




A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.


A SACK FULL OF CHICKENS

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."




A SACK FULL OF CHICKENS

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."




A SACK FULL OF CHICKENS

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."


A PIECE OF ADVICE

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.




A PIECE OF ADVICE

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.




A PIECE OF ADVICE

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.


A MAN AND HIS PET GIRAFFE WALK INTO A BAR...

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.

As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."




A MAN AND HIS PET GIRAFFE WALK INTO A BAR...

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.

As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."




A MAN AND HIS PET GIRAFFE WALK INTO A BAR...

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.

As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."


A KANGAROO WALKS INTO A BAR...

A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds."

The bartender does not know how he said this or why.




A KANGAROO WALKS INTO A BAR...

A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds."

The bartender does not know how he said this or why.




A KANGAROO WALKS INTO A BAR...

A kangaroo walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds."

The bartender does not know how he said this or why.